Birth Plan

I've been hearing a lot about birth plans, mostly on a US preggo's forum I lurk around but also from some of people I've talked to in my personal life. Apparently lots of women opt to draft a detailed birth plan prior to the big event so that they, their support person, the medical staff and whoever else happens to wander by will all be on the same page on the day.

It's an interesting concept. I know a lot of people that like to feel prepared. They're super organised and it gives them a sense of control. Since pregnancy is a time of total loss of control, over body, emotions, memory, self, I can see how gaining some it back, especially during what would have to be the scariest aspect of pregnancy, sounds pretty appealing.

Having never actually heard of a birth plan before, I decided to look into it. I found a range of examples online from the thorough, the natural home birth, to the elective c-section birth plan. Seems like every body was doing a plan. I was surprised by the level of detail these women included. The fact that they new enough about induction to actually specify how it was to be done and which substance was to be used made me feel more than a little unprepared.

Everything I know about labour I've learnt from TV. So my expectation was that at some point a tidal wave of fluid would gush out of my nether regions. There would be a lot of screaming and rushing around. We'd get to the hospital where there would be more screaming and swearing and crying. Somebody would get a bucket of hot water. I'd start to resemble to woman from The Exorcist, my other half would pass out. Then the doctor would see the head. There'd be a collective sigh of relief and everything would be calm again.

:-/

I raised birth plans with my doctor at one of my many appointments. My Ob told me the more complex and detailed a birth plan is, the more likely you'll wind up having an emergency c-section with complications. She's about a hundred years old and has been doing the pregnancy doctoring since the dawn of time so I assume she knows what she's talking about. She also told me that realistically, none of the birthing process is actually up to me and that I should be flexible and just go with the flow.

My life MO is basically to wing it (or stumble around in the dark and wind up where I'm going by blind luck). Go with the flow. I can definitely do that. I dismissed the idea of a birth plan there and then and decided to stick with my original approach. I began joking about my birth plan, whenever I was asked, being that I would go to sleep one night and wake up with a healthy and happy baby sleeping beside me. No mess, no fuss. Chalk it up. It would be met with either a concerned "she's living in a dream world, I"m worried" glance by women who've been through child birth or laughter and a "Good luck with that" from people who hadn't.

To be honest, I think birth plans are a bit of bullshit. Unless you've been through the process you can't possibly know what to expect or how you might feel. When it comes to pain relief, I think there's a fine line between bravery and stupidity.

So, here's my birth plan:

1. Go into labour.

2. Go to hospital.

3. Get drugs.

4. Have baby.

5. Take a nap.

(not necessarily in that order)

100 Facts About Me

In random order, as I thought of them:

1. My parents bought a book on how to have a girl when they were trying for me.
2. I was painfully shy in primary school.
3. I had no friends until we moved when I was in grade 3
4. I developed a strong predilection for chocolate as a toddler.
5. I've lived at eight different addresses in four different city’s/towns.
6. I'm completely geographically challenged.
7. I'm easily amused by little things.
8. I've been shot. Twice.
9. I'm terrified of one day having to have a colostomy bag because of my Crohn's.
10. I gave up alcohol just over a year ago and have no desire to drink ever again.
11. I used to call myself a writer. Now I think of myself as someone who could've been a writer.
12. I collect Archie Comics. I read my first one at age 10 and have loved them ever since. I have over a thousand.
13. I learnt Ninjitsu for a year. I wanted to be a Ninja, but lacked the discipline needed.
14. I'm a cat person.
15. Every pet I've ever had was abandoned by someone else.
16. I'm almost always tired.
17. I broke my wrist jumping over a fence and didn't know until it was x-rayed almost a year later for an unrelated reason.
18. I almost always put things off, but I usually get them done in time.
19. I hate my legs and won't wear skirts for this reason.
20. I sometimes have night terrors.
21. I love singing at the top of my lungs while driving alone in my car.
22. I cannot stand Sacha Baron Cohen. If I met him in person, I'd like to punch him in the face.
23. As a kid, I once won a 5kg jar of m&m's by guessing the EXACT number it contained. I wouldn't share them.
24. I constantly forget to ring people back.
25. I learnt to play the Saxophone and taught myself to play 'Tequila' by ear.
26. Almost all of the clothes I wear to work are black, white or purple.
27. I'm an orphan.
28. I'm allergic to mushrooms.
29. My father was a qualified proofreader. I can't spell.
30. My mother was an exceptional dressmaker. I can't sew.
31. I have a library book that's 25 years overdue. It's ‘Little Women’. I've never read it.
32. I love reading about serial killers. I find them fascinating.
33. The first concert I went to was Kylie Minogue. I was 12. I didn't have a ticket but somehow managed to walk right in.
34. My first job was packing parachutes at a skydiving club. They never paid me.
35. I love potato in all its forms.
36. I got stuck in an elevator in Indonesia and panicked until my brother told me to shut up.
37. I chose my elective subjects at Uni based on whether they had exams or not.
38. I didn't start to develop self-confidence until my late 20's.
39. I want to be athletic, but it's a struggle.
40. I don't understand how people can get so worked up over matters that don't impact on them in any way (for eg. straight people protesting gay marriage)
41. I had a pet Turtle. It ran away.
42. I use the F-word more often than is necessary.
43. I'm not offended by the C-word and don't really understand why it's so offensive to so many.
44. I love swimming, but I hardly ever get to. I wish I had a pool.
45. The smell of freshly cut grass is one of my favourite smells.
46. I love tunnels but hate being underground.
47. I wish I could speak Italian fluently.
48. I was bitten on the foot by a snake while swimming in a river.
49. I was bitten on the wrist by a possum. I had to get a Tetanus injection. It hurt.
50. To overcome my fear of public speaking, I agreed to give a lecture at a University in front of 100 students. I've done it several times since.
51. I like cheesy chick flicks like 'You've Got Mail' and 'Sleepless in Seattle'
52. When asked my age I always answer 29. For some reason this really angers a friend of mine who flies into a rage correcting me. She has never gotten my actual age right.
53. Haigh's dark chocolate crèmes are my all time favourite chocolates.
54. I find it hard to make friends.
55. My brother and I had a bodyguard for a day when we attended an official function with my father.
56. I know CPR and have had to use it once.
57. I laugh when I'm nervous or uncomfortable. People mistake it for insincerity.
58. I buy cheep sunglasses because I'm forever losing them or breaking them.
59. I don't have a favourite/lucky number/colour/letter.
60. I really want to get a tattoo but I'm scared it'll hurt like hell and I'll chicken out halfway through.
61. I was misdiagnosed about 8 times before they realised I had Crohn's Disease.
62. One of those misdiagnoses was Anorexia. The doctor told me I needed 'to eat better'.
63. For my last meal, I would order roast lamb, roast potatoes & pumpkin with gravy, raspberry soft drink and black forest cake.
64. I was kicked out of Sunday school for asking the minister too many questions he couldn't answer.
65. My mother enrolled me in all kinds of after school classes to help me make friends. I did pottery, drawing, Brownies, cooking, hiking, swimming.
66. I think ADHD is very rare and it's much easier for practitioners to diagnose kids with it than to actually put the effort into resolving the problems. I don't believe Adult ADHD exists at all and I think doctors who prescribe dexamphetamine to adults for this should lose their license.
67. When work stresses me out I fantasise about having a basic job that is largely inconsequential, like packing shelves at Coles. The truth is, I wouldn't last one shift in such a job.
68. I was in love with Corey Haim as a tween. I covered my bedroom walls in posters of him, which I kept into adulthood (just not on the walls).
69. A boyfriend discovered these posters years later and threw them out because he was jealous. I lost respect for him then and there.
70. My teeth are completely fucked due to Crohn's.
71. Throughout my pregnancy I have craved chicken.
72. Every time I go into Myer I get the hiccups.
73. People who waffle irritate me. Likewise, I find that people who use excessive and unnecessary technical terms come across as a try-hard, rather than intelligent or well read.
74. I almost always have vivid and bizarre dreams.
75. I did a minor in Feminist Studies at Uni. My lecturer was a bra burning radical feminist named Yola. I liked her but I thought most of her views were warped.
76. My favourite swear word is fucktard. I use it often.
77. I hate shopping for everything except second hand books and DVD's. I find clothes shopping soul destroying.
78. I wrote a story in primary school that a publisher wanted to turn into a children's book. The teacher said no because it wouldn't be fair to the other kids in the class.
79. I still have that story today. It's in the coffee table drawer.
80. My experience with babies and children is non-existent. I'm 39 weeks pregnant.
81. In year 12 I did nude photography as part of Studio Art. The school made me sign a contract that ensured any models under 18 had parental consent (they didn't), that my work would not be displayed publicly (it was) and that I would be discreet about it (I wasn't).
82. A 17 year old boy from my class and I (also 17) went to the male art teachers home in the evening to take some of the nude photo's. It never occurred to me that this was inappropriate until years later when I was talking about it at work one day.
83. None of my friend’s parents liked me. I was described as 'too smart for my own good' or 'a bad influence' and once 'too worldly'.
84. My heritage is Jewish Italian.
85. Halfway through a job interview I decided I didn't want the job because it sounded boring as hell. I didn't have the heart to tell the employer who seemed so excited. When they offered me the job, I lied and said I'd been offered something else.
86. I found a videotape of home made porn that a previous tenant left behind in a cupboard. We watched it with a group of friends for a laugh. A week later my 15-year-old neighbour stole it.
87. I like skinny vanilla cappuccinos.
88. Two minutes after watching Wolf Creek alone, the power went out. I heard glass breaking outside and a scream. I panicked and drove over to my brother’s place until the power returned.
89. My grandmother's funeral was on my 10th birthday. She'd written me a card that my aunt gave me at the funeral. It took me ten years to bring myself to open it.
90. I don't iron anything. I bought a Tiffany iron for $15 from K-mart in 1996. It's still brand new.
91. My other half is English. I love his accent and never get sick of hearing it.
92. I do not manage feelings of frustration very well.
93. My childhood Asthma was cured by moving from the city to the country. The same thing happened to my Aunt when she was a child.
94. When I lived alone I slipped in the kitchen almost cracking my head open on the corner of the marble bench. I took out ambulance cover the next day.
95. I’m too uncoordinated to be any good at the Wii.
96. My skin is pale. I don’t tan at all I just burn and peel. As a result I use maximum SPF sunscreen most of the time.
97. I believe having Crohn’s disease has changed me for the better.
98. I often forget to eat. I either don’t get hungry or my brain doesn’t know how to interpret hunger cues.
99. I am ridiculously bad at painting my nails.
100. I am forgetful and disorganised.

Pregnancy advice

I am getting some wonderful advice from all kinds of people on my pregnancy and how to manage it. It's really good, I don't need to do any of my own research. Too easy.

Don't drink tap water, only drink water that's been boiled twice. It kills all the germs and the added chemicals. I asked why twice? Surely any germs that weren't killed during the first boiling will have developed a boil survival plan. For all I know, boiling the water might just be like giving them spa, they might even get a bit frisky and start to procreate. With a completely straight face she replied "It just takes two goes".

Don't eat chicken. It's loaded with harmful growth hormones and steroids. What, not even if I boil it twice? The OB has said from the beginning that she thinks I'll go into labour early, plus the Crohn's could inhibit the baby's growth so really, if you think about it, eating chicken with growth hormones is probably just what this kid needs.

If you want a girl, eat cake in the first trimester, for a boy eat nuts. Silly me, I actually thought the sex of the baby was determined by the DNA contained within the sperm that fertilised the egg. Whoa. That's crazy voodoo speak. Of course it has everything to do with the food I eat after conception. What happens if I eat nut log?

Don't use the spa, you'll hard boil the baby. Now I must admit, I did get sucked in with this one. I avoided the spa completely in the first 6 months and then it occurred to me that although the spa gives the appearance of boiling water, the water is not actually boiling. Still, I double checked with my doctor who gave me a look that indicated she thought I might actually have brain damage and then slowly explained that no, a having a spa would not hard boil the baby.

Avoid all sugar because you can't go to the dentist and one of your teeth will turn black and fall out. Now if I avoid all sugar, having a tooth fall out will be the least of my worries, namely because I'll have gone stark raving mad from withdrawal and be bouncing off the walls of a padded cell. If my tooth is going to fall out anyway, why bother avoiding the sugar? and why can't I go to the dentist?

Eat peanuts or your baby wont build up a tolerance and will be allergic. This person went on to say that really anything I eat will build the baby's tolerance. Sounds reasonable. So what are some other common allergies that kids have? wheat, eggs, bees, dust mites, pollon. Hmmm so I guess I'm having an egg and bee sandwich with dust mite salad for dinner. Yum!

Drinking Coke will cause the baby to get diabetes. I'm amazed Coke is still on the market considering it's made with cocaine, is more addictive than heroin, can get you high if you add aspirin, will dissolve a tooth in 12 hours, can eat through metal, gets rid of corrosion and it's a better household cleaner than... well household cleaners. The question I have is, if it eats through metal, how the hell do they keep it in the can???

Because there weren't enough challenges...

So, what's low in fat, low in sugar, low in fibre, non-dairy and not a raw vegetable or green leafy vegetable?

Last week I did the glucose test for gestational diabetes and I failed. I now have to go back in next week to do a further test and if I fail that one it means I have gestational diabetes. I've always dreaded the idea of diabetes, mainly because the diabetic diet is completely at odds with my Crohn's diet. Once you eliminate all the non-Cohn's friendly foods, AND the non-diabetic friendly foods... What the fuck is left? Water and Bread?

I never really considered myself at risk of diabetes, there's no family history. My dad had diabetes but that was a result of pancreatic cancer and not a true diabetes. I have a cousin with diabetes, but he is adopted so there is not genetic link. I'm not overweight, I've been fairly active up until the last trimester of this pregnancy, my diet is a well balanced one and I don't have high blood pressure or high cholesterol.

At least with Gestational Diabetes, it typically clears up once the pregnancy is over and with a mere 8 weeks to go, if I am diagnosed it's really just a short term thing. It's something I'll need to be mindful of the next time I get pregnant of course, but for now I guess I just need to take things one step at a time.

After all, it's possible it's all just a horrible mistake.

#Kittensaga: a twitter epic

A mother cat just brought her litter into our yard to play. The kittens are so cute and fluffy. Luckily, I saw them before our dog did!
12:40 AM Jan 17th

The little kitten's back, but tonight he's all alone :-( and it's raining :'-(
8:45 PM Jan 17th

{from twitter friend} bring him inside and give him food he can be your new kitty :D
8:46 PM Jan 17th

{@above} he'll be lunch for the dog, besides I can't reach him, he's on the garage roof. Poor thing.
8:50 PM Jan 17th

Lost kitten is now dry and fed. Where's his mum??? http://yfrog.com/4ay7ifj
9:04 PM Jan 17th

What am I supposed to do with this little guy? Given half a chance the dog will eat him. I put him out side and he just cries.
9:17 PM Jan 17th

Aaaaaawwwwww http://tweetphoto.com/8925936
9:26 PM Jan 17th

I have made him a little nest out of old towels/cardboard inside the dog house. He'll be safe & warm and hopefully his mum will come looking
9:44 PM Jan 17th

Found it, or rather the dog did, cold and wet huddled behind a pot plant. It’s again dry and warm.
7:48 AM Jan 18th

Dog barked it’s head off and now kitten is stuck on the roof again. Did I mention I’m late for work and it’s raining?
8:02 AM Jan 18th

That's three times I've rescued this kitten now. Talk about high maintenance! Now it's pissing down. I foresee a dash home at lunchtime.
9:18 AM Jan 18th

Asked around at work if anybody wants this kitten. ALL said I should keep it. Somehow I expect the dog & {my other half} will strongly oppose...
11:26 AM Jan 18th

What’s that thing cats do with their feet when they're getting comfortable and about to go to sleep called?
6:26 PM Jan 18th

Well the kitten does that foot kneading thing and purrs when it eats.
:-D
6:33 PM Jan 18th

Kitten is now having a ball with some cat toys I found (my other half’s idea) Dog is perplexed by the odd noises coming from the laundry.
8:13 PM Jan 18th

Kitten and dog now happily ignoring each other while I watch TV.
9:09 PM Jan 18th

Kittens gone :-(
7:47 AM Jan 19th

Ignore my previous post about the kitten being gone. He has returned and is currently safe and warm with a heat pack in the laundry.
9:06 AM Jan 19th

Last night the kitten's mother showed up, with 3 more kittens. I fed her brood and she holed up in the dog house with them all.
9:35 AM Jan 19th

This morning they were all gone. Or so I thought. Deciding to do a quick lap around the yard before I left for work, I discovered...
9:36 AM Jan 19th

that the poor little guy had once again been left behind. :-( He was huddled behind the pot plant looking very sad and sorry for himself.
9:37 AM Jan 19th

After warming him up, feeding him and giving him a nice heat pad to curl up on. I have left him all cozy in the laundry.
9:40 AM Jan 19th

At this rate, the poor bloke is going to use up all his 9 lives before he's even 2 months old!
9:41 AM Jan 19th

{@ twitter friend} I'd say he has been rejected. Poor guy. He's not smaller, but he is a completely different colour and has long hair.
10:17 AM Jan 19th

{@ twitter friend} The other kittens were all short haired and dark tabby/black colours. Poor fella. Oh well he's safe now, I'll keep him inside.
10:18 AM Jan 19th

{@ twitter friend} They’re definitely strays. I'd guess that the mother cat was probably dumped by a callous owner upon having the kittens.
11:32 AM Jan 19th

There should be higher consequences for irresponsible pet ownership. People shouldn't be allowed to get away with being cruel & thoughtless.
11:36 AM Jan 19th

I can't decide whether the dog is curious or hungry when she watches the kitten lick itself... Is that drool?
6:02 PM Jan 19th

Dog checking out her lunch ;-p http://twitpic.com/yrwe0
8:05 PM Jan 19th

Zzzzzzzzzzz http://twitpic.com/yrx1z
8:15 PM Jan 19th

Just playin' http://twitpic.com/yrxb5
8:19 PM Jan 19th

Kitten just learned the hard way why it's not a good idea to pounce on the dog. Surprisingly, everybody's unscathed.
9:29 PM Jan 19th

{from my other half to a mutual friend} Did you see what {me} has been doing? I'm sure I only had a dog when I left a week ago! http://twitpic.com/yrwe0
2:10 AM Jan 20th

{from the mutual friend} I know, what's the deal there? Damn, your dog should have eaten the cat by now!!!
2:13 AM Jan 20th

{@ mutual friend} The dog likes kittens.... but she could never eat a whole one ;-p
8:14 AM Jan 20th

Kitten's first vet appointment this morning. Poor guy has been sneezing all night.
8:23 AM Jan 20th

The dog just ate all the kittens’ food and then looked up at me triumphantly. Yes honey, I'm very proud.
8:45 AM Jan 20th

How long do you suppose the dog will keep staring at the kitten for? Going on an hour now.
6:23 PM Jan 20th

He's got cat flu, but the Vet thinks he's over the worst of it. They gave him a wormer and he'll get vaccinated on Monday.
7:01 PM Jan 20th

The Vet loved the kitten, kept saying "oh he IS champagne, a cool, calm and collected chap" it was funny.
7:03 PM Jan 20th

Feeling pretty relaxed http://yfrog.com/1do4wquj
7:47 PM Jan 20th

He's pretty ballsy too. If the dog gets too close he starts growling, which just makes the dog even more curious. lol
7:56 PM Jan 20th

I was preparing the kitten's dinner and he starts doing laps around my legs meowing his head off like he owns the place.
8:22 PM Jan 20th

When the fluff ball wakes up in the morning everybody wakes up.
7:25 AM Jan 21st

Dear Kitten, kicking a piece of kabana around the floor is not helping your relationship with the dog.
5:48 PM Jan 21st

Just realised the pen the Vet gave me has a LASER pointer on the end of it! Oh this is going to be sweet...
9:25 PM Jan 21st

OMG laser pointers work on dogs too!!!!! Fun for the whole family.
9:29 PM Jan 21st

Whatchuwant? http://yfrog.com/4eq2xpj
11:34 AM Jan 22nd

Last night the dog played with her ball in the yard while the kitten happily played nearby in the garden.
11:38 AM Jan 22nd

This morning both kitten and dog sat within a meter of each other waiting while I made their breakfasts. This is promising.
11:39 AM Jan 22nd

Hello! I see you! http://yfrog.com/auhtzvj
11:42 AM Jan 22nd

Why does pet food reek so bad? both of them hanging about breathing on me is disgusting. Can U get breath mints for cats & dogs?
8:16 PM Jan 22nd

Tweedledum & Tweedledee are chasing each other around the couch. May change the #kittensaga hashtag to #madhouse cos that's where I live
9:38 PM Jan 22nd

Kitten just flicked my bra strap. I think I've just been sexually harassed.
9:42 PM Jan 22nd

Kitten just fell from the top of the stairs. He was running around sideways like they do and charged through the bars. He's ok.
11:04 PM Jan 22nd

Kitten is sporting a fat swollen eye this morning. ? http://yfrog.com/1dxgcmj
8:30 AM Jan 23rd

{from twitter friend} Wasn't from the flying leap off the stairs by any chance?
8:59 AM Jan 23rd

He landed on his feet (as they often do) in the middle of the floor, don't recall him hitting anything on the way down but maybe?
9:02 AM Jan 23rd

He was fine last night. The swelling has gone down and that kitten isn't bothered by it.
11:36 AM Jan 23rd

The dog is chasing the kitten around the kitchen table. When I stop her, the kitten meows loudly and insistently. Guess they're friends now.
12:03 PM Jan 23rd

So, what do we make of this??? http://yfrog.com/33t91sj
1:08 PM Jan 23rd

Imagine how boring life would be without crazy animals?
1:15 PM Jan 23rd

I'm hoping these two will become friends and play with each other. I worry the dog is too bored on her own so much
1:36 PM Jan 23rd

The dog is actually quite besotted. I can't quite believe it.
1:39 PM Jan 23rd

Feeling somewhat irritated by intrusive houseguests. There is shit everywhere and they have taken over my laptop and the TV.
2:04 PM Jan 24th

Also feeling discouraged that kitten and dog have been scrapping all day. I have them separated now.
2:07 PM Jan 24th

{from twitter friend} Sounds like you have visitors from hell … sick the kitten onto them!
2:28 PM Jan 24th

{@above} lol flying fuzzball with claws coming at you could be a little scary, except the little bugger purrs on contact.
3:02 PM Jan 24th

If you put it anywhere near your mouth the kitten concludes its food and wants it. He just took my pen.
6:05 PM Jan 24th

Kitten diarrhea'd all over itself & kicked up a fuss when I tried to clean him. I said "Either I clean this off or you do. Think about it."
6:43 PM Jan 25th

I won in the end and interestingly the kitten decided splashing around in the shallow water in the laundry sink was a fun game.
7:03 PM Jan 25th

Kitten took a flying leap off the back of the couch in the direction of my dinner. Luckily he's as subtle as a freight train
9:29 PM Jan 25th

I caught him mid-flight. His little face went from mouth-open excitement to gutted in under a second.
9:38 PM Jan 25th

he meowed his little head off before gearing up for the jump. He may as well have said "Hey I'm having some of that"
9:44 PM Jan 25th

Kitten just stuck his fat head in my coffee, then the dog licked him. Can nothing that enters this household be normal?
10:19 AM Jan 26th

Told the pets in no uncertain terms that there's to be no shenanigans when {my other half} gets home. I'm looking at you no-name!
7:07 PM Jan 26th

{from twitter friend} No name kitten :| the poor guy is a nowhere man sitting in no where land…
7:09 PM Jan 26th

{from twitter friend} time to give baby a name. He's been home from the hospital far too long now.
7:08 PM Jan 26th

{@ above} hopefully no-name will have one within the next couple of days lol
7:27 PM Jan 26th

Suspect kitten is feeling a little under the weather today. He's subdued and off his food. Even the dog is leaving him alone :-(
11:04 AM Jan 27th

Someone! Gimme a hug pleeeaaassse! http://twitpic.com/104i64
7:28 PM Jan 28th

The dog just chased the kitten under the bed. Watching them both skid around on the floorboards was comedy gold.
8:21 PM Jan 28th

The cat has finally got a name ..... *drum roll* .......he is ..... "Zargon the Almighty, Destroyer of Worlds".
Jan 29th

oh its totally so lol Speak to {my other half}, I said he could name the kitten, and boy, did he.
Jan 29th

I'm not looking forward to registering his name at the Vet next week. lol
Jan 29th

He's staying. The other half is quite smitten. Dog is indifferent and Zargon is ruling the house as he should lol
Jan 29th

Zargon the Almighty, Destroyer of Worlds... Destroying stuff http://twitpic.com/10anzk
Jan 29th

Ever since giving the kitten the name Zargon the Almighty, Destroyer of Worlds, he's become a feisty little bugger.
Jan 30th

Verbal Diarrhoea

I’m 22 weeks pregnant. I’m within a normal BMI and I haven’t put on any weight during this pregnancy. I’m showing a little more these last few weeks, but generally I don’t appear overtly pregnant. If you met me for the first time today you would probably not realise I was pregnant, or you might think I’m in the first trimester. I guess I say this just to put my experience into some kind of context.

I’ve known a few women who’ve been pregnant, although to be honest, not that many. While several of my friends have children, only one was pregnant during our friendship, the others had children when I met them. Likewise a couple of women I’ve worked with have been pregnant; however I wasn’t particularly close to any of them. So honestly I didn’t put a lot of stock in the stories I heard about inappropriate comments, intrusive behaviour, and unwarranted touching. Surely they’re exaggerated. People aren’t that insensitive.

Boy was I wrong. It seems ‘baby brain’, a phenomenon where a pregnant person becomes forgetful or absent minded can also occur by proxy. Just merely being in the presence of somebody who’s pregnant can induce verbal diarrhoea. Here are a few gems I’ve experienced so far:

Are you fat or do you have an announcement to make?
I would like to ‘announce’ that you are a tactless idiot. It’s never ok to comment on a person’s appearance, never, ever. If that someone is a woman who appears to have gained weight or lost weight, it’s even more important to shut the fuck up. It’s none of your business. You’d have to live under a rock, on another planet, not to be aware of this.

I’m coming to your first ultrasound.
Um no, you’re not. This was said to me by a colleague at work who is little more than an acquaintance. I really had to be firm with her too. She’d rearranged her schedule and had her car keys in her hand. Talk about intrusive, not even my mother or my best friend would have requested an invite to that event.

I know you’re not telling people the sex, so just tell me while no-one’s around.
I hear this constantly, by friends, colleagues and strangers alike. Four people know: me, my partner, the ultrasound technician and my doctor. I don’t have an issue with people asking what the sex is, it’s when they continue to ask despite being told that we’re not saying the sex or when they go on to say things like “yeah my cousin didn’t tell anyone either. She’s such a bitch like that.” Um, did you just call me a bitch?

Do you think having a baby is really such a good idea?
I’m starting to think it wasn’t for your parents. Seriously, what am I supposed to do with this? If having a baby isn’t such a good idea, it’s too fucking late now. What would you have me do about it? Wait, don't answer that. I don't want to know.

I don’t mean to scare you but (insert horror story)…
This one really gets my back up. For fucks sake, STOP and think about what you’re saying. It’s a scary period. Shit goes wrong all the time. I’m aware. I don’t need you painting me a picture. I don’t need you planting seeds of worry in my head about rare and unlikely devastations. I have enough to worry about. Just smile, say congratulations and if you really feel the need to add something, talk about how cute your 2 year old nephew is when he tries to pat the family Axolotl.

You’re boobs are huge. Are they hard? (Proceed to feel me up)
No, they’re boobs. Why would they be hard? And why would you think it’s appropriate to grab me on the boob? This has happened to me more often than the unwanted belly touching. The belly thing I expected, but people wanting to grab me on the boob never entered my mind.

Oops. Don’t fret; my first child was a mistake too.
I’m not ‘fretting’ and please don’t refer to my unborn child as a mistake. The only mistake here is your foot in mouth disease.

How long were you trying for?
None of your business. Next question.

How often did you have to do the deed before you conceived?
I think I preferred your last question. Are you seriously asking me how often my partner and I have sex???

So due in April, then you must have conceived in…?
Seriously, stop thinking about my partner and I in bed.

Was your partner upset when you told him?
Yes, he was furious because he realised I’m a conniving whore trying to trap him into making a commitment by purposely getting pregnant. It’s probably not even his! This question really pisses me off. The assumption that my partner would be anything but thrilled and the implication that I purposely did this really makes my blood boil.

Don’t you think you should stop wearing jeans now that you’re pregnant?
This one just amuses me. Likewise I got told that I should rethink my choice of nail polish colour (Purple at the time) now that I’m pregnant. I really don’t understand what one has to do with the other. I highly doubt that the baby gives a shit what I'm wearing.

Will you be getting married before the baby comes?
No, it's not 1950 anymore.

I imagine that as I get further along in the pregnancy, the stupidity will increase in regularity. Something to look forward to!

Stay tuned.

Ongoing treatment through Pregnancy

When I had my last Infliximab transfusion, I was told by the nurse, rather casually, that my next one in December would be my last until one month after the baby is born, making it sometime in May. Naturally, I panicked. I can’t go FIVE months without medication. Hell, history has clearly demonstrated I can’t even go five weeks without medication.

The nurse was not at all concerned. She brushed me off with a “You’ll be fine” and “it’s best not to take unnecessary chances when you’re pregnant.” I wondered how she catergorised the very real risks of my becoming so unwell that I can’t eat, become malnourished, have intestinal blockages and require hospitalisation and surgery on the growing baby. Would she tell a person with diabetes to stop taking insulin? Or someone with epilepsy to cease anti-convulsants?

I considered asking her this, but decided to go straight to the source: My specialist. After all he is the one who has the ability to override this seemingly arbitrary rule, not the nurse. As much as I respect the work that nurses do, they are essentially powerless against the organisational red tape.

I made the appointment but my baby brain kicked in and I completely forgot all about it until a week afterwards. Way to maintain credibility. I called, apologised and begged for another appointment. His receptionist was unimpressed but after an agonising few moments where it seamed she would not get me in until January she relented and said “Well I have had a cancellation for Wednesday.” I took it, along with her comments about ensuring that I do actually turn up this time with gracious appreciation and wrote down the appointment everywhere, diary, calendar, even a bright yellow post it stuck to the side of my computer.

On the drive over to my specialist I replayed arguments I anticipated I would have with him over in my head. After my last surgery in 2008 I was without medication for 6 weeks. During the surgery they removed all the active Crohn’s. 6 weeks later my guts were absolutely riddled with it again. I told them. They dismissed me. A colonoscopy preformed at the 6 week marked showed exactly what I had been telling them: Complete relapse, worse than it had been pre-surgery. It took two years and multiple admissions, procedures, minor surgeries, blockages and medication trials to get me to the point I am at now, which is relatively healthy and able to function. I planned to remind him of all this.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not dismissing the risks this medication may pose to my unborn child. I’ve done the research. Infliximab is a category B1 drug, this is defined as:

“Drugs which have been taken by only a limited number of pregnant women and women of childbearing age, without an increase in the frequency of malformation or other direct or indirect harmful effects on the human fetus having been observed. Studies in animals have not shown evidence of an increased occurrence of fetal damage.”

Essentially all of the research that has been done has shown no adverse effects, however to move the drug into the Category A slot, more research needs to be done. Compare that with the risks to an unborn child where the mother is malnourished treated with prednisolone, etc. Not to mention the very real chance of death to both mother and baby in the event of an intestinal blockage. In my mind the risks associated with relapse are far worse than the risks of taking this medication.

I arrived at my appointment and sitting impatiently before my specialist as we exchanged pleasantries I found it impossible to contain myself. “Look, can we just cut to the chase?” Yes, I actually said that. He looked at me a little taken aback and slightly amused. “Is there a problem?” Um, yes. There’s a pretty big problem. I calmly explained. He considered me for a moment and then said “That won’t work. You can’t be without medication for that long”.

I was stunned. I’m so used to fighting and arguing with medical people around my treatment that in all the scenarios I played in my head on the drive over, it never even occurred to me that he might actually agree with me.

He said that the whole waiting one month after birth thing is nonsense. Once I give birth I can have the infusion as soon as I am able to physically get there. He said, if you give birth on Monday, you can have the transfusion on Tuesday if you like. He then said that he is prepared for me to have the transfusion anywhere up to 35 weeks pregnant. He then emailed the IBD nurse, the medi-hotel unit manager and the pharmacy as we spoke to inform them of the same. He is a man of action. I should never have doubted him.

So I will have my next regularly scheduled transfusion in December. Then I’ll have another in February, slightly earlier at 6 weeks, then the next will occur in April after I’ve had the baby, as worst it may be two weeks late.

Crisis averted. I feel unbelievably relieved.