Thursday, March 10, 2011

Pregnancy advice

I am getting some wonderful advice from all kinds of people on my pregnancy and how to manage it. It's really good, I don't need to do any of my own research. Too easy.

Don't drink tap water, only drink water that's been boiled twice. It kills all the germs and the added chemicals. I asked why twice? Surely any germs that weren't killed during the first boiling will have developed a boil survival plan. For all I know, boiling the water might just be like giving them spa, they might even get a bit frisky and start to procreate. With a completely straight face she replied "It just takes two goes".

Don't eat chicken. It's loaded with harmful growth hormones and steroids. What, not even if I boil it twice? The OB has said from the beginning that she thinks I'll go into labour early, plus the Crohn's could inhibit the baby's growth so really, if you think about it, eating chicken with growth hormones is probably just what this kid needs.

If you want a girl, eat cake in the first trimester, for a boy eat nuts. Silly me, I actually thought the sex of the baby was determined by the DNA contained within the sperm that fertilised the egg. Whoa. That's crazy voodoo speak. Of course it has everything to do with the food I eat after conception. What happens if I eat nut log?

Don't use the spa, you'll hard boil the baby. Now I must admit, I did get sucked in with this one. I avoided the spa completely in the first 6 months and then it occurred to me that although the spa gives the appearance of boiling water, the water is not actually boiling. Still, I double checked with my doctor who gave me a look that indicated she thought I might actually have brain damage and then slowly explained that no, a having a spa would not hard boil the baby.

Avoid all sugar because you can't go to the dentist and one of your teeth will turn black and fall out. Now if I avoid all sugar, having a tooth fall out will be the least of my worries, namely because I'll have gone stark raving mad from withdrawal and be bouncing off the walls of a padded cell. If my tooth is going to fall out anyway, why bother avoiding the sugar? and why can't I go to the dentist?

Eat peanuts or your baby wont build up a tolerance and will be allergic. This person went on to say that really anything I eat will build the baby's tolerance. Sounds reasonable. So what are some other common allergies that kids have? wheat, eggs, bees, dust mites, pollon. Hmmm so I guess I'm having an egg and bee sandwich with dust mite salad for dinner. Yum!

Drinking Coke will cause the baby to get diabetes. I'm amazed Coke is still on the market considering it's made with cocaine, is more addictive than heroin, can get you high if you add aspirin, will dissolve a tooth in 12 hours, can eat through metal, gets rid of corrosion and it's a better household cleaner than... well household cleaners. The question I have is, if it eats through metal, how the hell do they keep it in the can???



  1. Hilarious! Haha also add that you can't put your hands up above your head when you're pregnant as you could strangle the baby (possibly true). This prevented me from putting washing on the line for 9 months of awesome.

    Boil water twice? Damn.. wouldn't want to be thirsty huh?

  2. You know, even if that ones not true, I would go with it anyway if it means not doing the laundry lol

  3. Good advice. But you know if you eat a nutroll you will have a boy AND a girl...TWINS! Amazing how people try to help!