Friday, April 24, 2009

Drink this please...

I wonder what kind of kid says "when I grow up I want to be a gastroenterologist. I want to immerse myself in the malfunctioning bowel, the deseased digestive system, the inflamed intestine. I'll be up to my elbows in it, it'll be sweeeet." I don't know why they do it, but I am glad they do it. I appreciate the efforts of my doctors, and despite my recent whining, I do feel I'm in good hands. I know there are people out there who really are "up to their elbows in it" looking for a cure, finding better treatments and genuinely helping the cause and to them I say Harrah!


For the last 10 days I have been in hospital. I have been poked and prodded in every which way imaginable. Why is it that every single investigative procedure for Crohn's involves drinking large amounts of something incredibly vile and abstaining from using the bathroom whilst lying perfectly still inside a loud, uncomfortable machine? Seriously, a small salad makes me run to the toilet in pain, that's kind of why I'm here, What do you expect the effects of 3 litres of a laxative laced contrast will be? One of the research fellows who had the pleasure of explaining the colonoscopy procedure said "You shouldn't feel to much discomfort..." Um Houston...we have a problem.

So, for all those people out there wasting time on bullshit research like Are Fish Stupid? Is chocolate better than kissing? and Is Michael Jackson Troubled? put that rubbish aside immediately and start making this scenario a reality:

"Welcome. We really need to do some tests to establish the severity of the disease activity in your illiem. Now, I wont lie to you, during these tests you will be terribly comfortable. We will ask you to drink a small amount of this scrumptious liquid while we give you some drugs that will make you feel heavenly. The test will be brief and afterwards you can expect to feel a little prolonged euthymia"

Ok that might be pushing it a little, but what about making the glycoprep for colonoscopies taste a little less...vile, and do we really need to injest 3 liters of it? How about a cushion on the concrete slab of the MRI and a oxycodone for when we get home and the fun really begins? oh and yes, I want total anastesia during the colonoscopy thanks.


1 comment:

  1. I think most GI's sort of become that, rather than aspire to be that all along. Hence, they are likely trying to delude themselves daily into believing that they really want to do what they do. Trying to convince the patient that everything is fine is simply an extension of that delusion.

    Sometimes I wonder if the med students who become GI's just couldn't hack it at what they meant to study. "Cardiology is sexy, but do you know how much there is to know about the friggin' heart? Now, *guts* I get. Shame they're not sexy. Guess I'll just say I'm a doctor and leave it at that."