Tinkle Town

This article was e-mailed to me the other day. It seems that somebody has finally done a review of the public toilets in our fair city (Melbourne). I should preface this by saying that one of the City of Melbourne's great claims to fame is that it has more public toilets than most other city's. It's currently averaging one toilet per 250 square meters.

But just how usable are they? I know I've been in some that made me feel the need to shower as soon as I got home. In fact I shudder just thinking about some of them. There are the underground toilets that I feel like I need a body guard with me and the supposedly self-cleaning Exeloo's that have sprung up everywhere, complete with mud and water covering the floors and piped elevator music. Not a pleasant experience.

Anyway, I felt I would be horribly remiss if I did not post it here. :-) You can read the original article here: http://www.theage.com.au/national/tinkle-town-20100313-q582.html I've cut it back for the purposes of this blog and just included the best and the worst toilet ratings.


Tinkle town
PETER MUNRO, JOHANNA WALDON, JOHN BAILEY AND SUSANNAH MCGREGOR
March 14, 2010

We've all been out on the town and needed to find a toilet, quickly. Trouble is, some public facilities are a more attractive place to spend a penny than others. To help you navigate your way around the city's cisterns, Peter Munro, Johanna Waldon, John Bailey and Susannah McGregor offer a critical guide:

Flinders Street Station
Male
Open: 24 hours
Access: Male, female, disabled, baby change

Score: 2/10
Cleanliness 1/5; Toilet paper 0/1; Ambience 0/1; Soap/paper towels/hand dryer 0/1; Safety 0/1; Accessibility 1/1

Summary: This isn't one of those "Worst Toilet in Scotland" numbers unforgettably memorialised in Trainspotting, but it's definitely For Emergencies Only. It shouldn't be hard to see why the facilities at Melbourne's busiest transport hub will probably never be oases of sparkling white porcelain and liveried hand-towel attendants, but remember to put yourself on amber alert when making your way into a cubicle here. Some of the locks don't work or, more mysteriously, are painted over, and the wash-basins could do with some maintenance. At least there are nearby alternatives that won't require a tram ride to reach.

- John Bailey

Ground floor, Southern Cross Station
Male
Open: Mon-Sat 4:30am-12:30am; Sun 7am-12am
Access: Male, female, disabled, baby change

Score: 9/10
Cleanliness 4/5; Ample toilet paper 1/1; Ambience 1/1; Soap/paper towels/hand dryer 1/1; Safety 1/1; Accessibility 1/1

Summary: Avoid the upper-level dunnies if you can (you probably won't be able to spot them anyway). Downstairs is where the action's at, and during peak periods you'll find plenty of fellow commuters increasing your wait time. Near-constant cleaning and solid fixtures that actually work make up for this, however. It's the kind of public toilet where you can buy deodorant in consideration of other train passengers and the baby change room even includes a kitschy wooden high-chair for feeding. These loos are perfectly pleasant as far as city facilities go.

- John Bailey

Southern Cross Station
Female

Score: 9/10
Cleanliness 4/5; Toilet paper 1/1; Ambience 1/1; Soap/paper towel/hand dryer 1/1; Safety 1/1; Accessibility 1/1

Summary: Thirteen cubicles allow a line to move reasonably quickly at this busy block. They're spacious, open and clean (aside from strewn paper towel) though high traffic means the seats are a little worn. Large mirrors and a dispenser to buy mints, pain relievers and lip gloss offer a freshen-up before the train. All in all, a pleasant stop.

- Susannah McGregor

Exhibition Street (between Lonsdale and Little Lonsdale streets)
Male
Open: 24 hours
Access: Men only

Score: 2/10
Cleanliness 1/5; Toilet paper 0/1; Ambience 1/1; Soap/paper towels/hand dryer 0/1; Safety 0/1; Accessibility 0/1

Summary: At the city's Paris end this green iron box is, appropriately, of the old-fashioned French street urinal variety. It's been there since 1925. That might have been the last time it was serviced, too. If you're running late for a nearby show, fellas, it's a safe enough scramble across two lanes of traffic to do your business and the occasional sound of passing horse carriages adds an earthy air to proceedings. The wastebasket enigmatically perched at eye-level atop the urinal itself does raise questions, though, and there's nowhere to wash or dry your hands, so this is probably not the spot to visit before a business lunch.

- John Bailey

Underground toilet corner of Collins and Swanston streets
Female

Score: 9/10
Cleanliness 5/5; Toilet paper 1/1; Ambience 1/1; Soap/paper towel/hand dryer 0.5/1; Safety 1/1; Accessibility 0.5/1

Summary: Good lord, I've stumbled upon the Holy Grail of public toilets. With ample toilet paper in each of the six cubicles, shiny clean toilet bowls, light and bright ambience, the subtle scent of musky soap and beautiful clean basins, these are the Rolls Royce of public bathrooms. The only downside is the absence of disabled access and the use of soap cakes rather than a dispenser. Even the gold banisters leading down to the bathroom tell you this is going to be a good experience, and it is.

- Johanna Waldon

Collins Place
Female

Score: 9/10
Cleanliness 4/5; Toilet paper 1/1; Ambience 1/1; Soap/paper towel/hand dryer 1/1; Safety 1/1; Accessibility 1/1

Summary: Wide mirror and good bench space: it's a well-designed girly lavatory. It's clean (serviced every two hours, according to the log) with a pleasant citrus smell and the decor is modern. With a food-court location, three cubicles may mean queues during lunch hour but it's worth the wait.

- Susannah McGregor

Elizabeth and Victoria streets, underground
Male
Open: 7am-5pm. Closed public holidays
Access: Male and female. No disabled access

Score: 1/10
Cleanliness 1/5; Toilet paper 0/1; Ambience 0/1; Soap/paper towels/hand dryer 0/1; Safety 0.5/1; Accessibility 0/1

Summary: Good lord. A putrid stink slaps me as I walk down the twisting stairs. Inside, it's all dripping sink taps, rusted drain tops, cracked tiles, mould and moist, dark places. The mirror is dirty and there's no soap with which to wipe off the stain. What strange hell is this? Three cubicles are occupied and the fourth is without paper. Better you visit the large lavatories within the Queen Victoria Market, across the road. And never speak of this place again.

- Peter Munro

Enjoy!