Sudoku Toilet Paper

Gas (Not for the feint hearted)

On Friday I bought a supermarket BBQ Chicken and some rolls for dinner. I'd had a bad day, work is awful, my friend had a car accident (She was ok, just in shock). I was late getting back from the gym. At any rate by the time I eventually got home, I was in no mood to cook so I went with something easy and store bought.

I think I need someone to follow me around everywhere I go and whenever I'm about to do something stupid, they can slap me across the face and yell "Stop, Think about what you're doing!"

I even put copious amounts of cheese *SLAP* and warm chicken gravy on top *SLAP*. Then I put the whole lot in the microwave and nuked it to within an inch of it's life so it was all gooey and melty goodness. I may have washed it down with a Sprite. *double SLAP*

Not surprisingly, yesterday I woke up with a swollen belly and stomach pain. Ah, yes, stupidmarket BBQ chicken with it's endless additives, preservatives, marinated in grease and stuffed with fat, it truly is the dinner that keeps on giving.

I had to go out. I'm determined to get the weekly chores done before midday Saturday so I can have the rest of the weekend to myself. Anyway, while walking around the shops with a Skinny Vanilla Cappuccino *SLAP* in hand, I began to feel more and more uncomfortable.

My belly was quite swollen by this point. My jeans where noticeably tight. Then came THAT rumbling feeling. I wasn't even sure where the nearest public toilet was! *SLAP* Amazingly, it hadn't even occurred to me to look. Something I do almost as unconsciously as breathing normally.

After a moment of panic, I remembered my iPhone has an app called "Toilet Mate" which not only tells you where the nearest toilet is, but links into google maps to give you directions. I looked in my bag and suddenly had a flash of my iPhone sitting neatly in it's charger dock. On the bench, AT home *SLAP*.

I looked around me. The shopping strip consisted of bars, restaurants, clothing stores and a Plaza. It was 10am so bars and restaurants were of no help. Wait... Plaza? That's another name for mini mall right?

Beeline. I made one.

When I finally found the public toilet, there was one person in line ahead of me and soon after three more people (two women and a young child) queued up behind me. I waited impatiently in line (Disabled toilet was out of order and the mens - yes, mens, I'm not precious - was being cleaned) until my turn.

There were two toilets in the restroom, but one was clearly blocked. It was overflowing with water and soggy paper and the seat and floor were soaked. For a moment, whilst in line, I contemplated using it. *SLAP* I mean what are the chances of catching Cholera or Leprosy from a shopping centre? and seriously, how bad could it actually be? *really hard SLAP*

Fortunately, as I was building up the courage to venture into the bacterial orgy, the working toilet flushed and the women exited. I ran in, dropped trou and sat down.

For a moment there was nothing and then I broke wind. I'm not talking about a little note from the bum bagpipes or a subtle blow of the arse trumpet either. This was the full orchestra. I'm talking window rattling, leaves a ringing in your ears, Richter-scale registering, hold on to the toilet for fear of being blown off flatulence.

And it went on forever! At least 60 seconds. The bathroom acoustics didn't help matters either, that thing was echoing off the walls, floors and ceiling. It almost took on a life of it's own.

"Oh God!" I heard a woman mutter in horror, followed by the sound of the outer toilet door being hastily wrenched open and the clambering of footsteps as women and children fled for their lives.

When I was finished, I emerged out of the toilet stall to an empty room. I washed up, un-disheveled my clothes and hair and made my way back out to the shopping centre. Interestingly, my stomach was no longer swollen, sore or grumpy after that.

My Crohn's monster: clearing public domains since 2002. ;-p

No such thing as too prepared!

World IBD DAY

Today is World IBD Day. A day dedicated towards raising much needed awareness of Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis (collectively known as Inflammatory Bowel Disease-IBD).

Support the cause by clicking here, which will take you to the Crohn's and Colitis Australia website.

To everyone out there who has IBD, or supports somebody who does, Happy IBD Day.

Keep on, keeping on.

Still Waiting.

I still haven't had my infusions. 8 days late and no sign that it's going to happen any time soon. There are no words to describe how angry I feel right now.

After my surgery this exact situation (born out of pure incompetence) lead to me being without medication for 6 weeks. 6 weeks was all it took for me to become very very unwell.

I'm angry and I'm panicking. What if all the good work that's been done is again undone by this break? Last time 6 weeks after surgery I was again back at square one. It took another 12 months of unbelievable pain and illness before any one would listen to me. When I finally did end up back in hospital. There were threats of an ostomy bag. In the end I had multiple surgeries instead.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Why are we waiting...

So I arrived for my Infliximab at 9am this morning and as I was heading towards the elevator, my mobile rings. It's the co-ordinator (and I use that term loosely) of the transfusion floor telling me they've lost my prescription and so don't come in." Um... too late my friend, I'm already here.

I'm now sitting in the cafe where there's internet access, very patiently waiting for them to sort out getting hold of my prescription so I can get my Infliximab. He said it could take up to an hour. I scoffed, pffft, yeah right! You usually have me waiting at least that long when you have the stuff. He flinched at that and I suddenly felt bad. Sometimes I snap first and think later.

Anyway. It's been an hour. I'm still waiting. So much for having an early transfusion and having the rest of the day to myself. I have a feeling I'm going to be here all day.

Stay tuned!

Update ***

At about 11am I got a phone call from my specialist who apologetically informed me that the research nurse (I'm sure I've blogged about her before, she's the worlds most incompetent person, she constantly messed up my Humira prescriptions when I was on that and single handedly caused me to be SIX weeks without medication) up and left on Friday, giving 3 days notice, and leaving everything up in the air. They can't find my paper work, symptom diary, blood results and so medicare will not release the medication. He asked me where I was and upon discovering that I was just downstairs he came down to see me. He has to have seen me within 10 days of writing the prescription it seems. Freebie!

Long story short, I can't have the Infliximab today. We completed all the necessary paperwork again and he assures me it'll be fine to go in a couple of days. Unfortunately, my only availability is on a Wednesday and next week I have the dentist scheduled, there is no way I'm going to delay getting it for two weeks. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

It's so unbelievably bloody frustrating.

Maze Grill

Having Crohn's Disease means that I have to be selective about what I eat. I can't just shove whatever I feel like into my mouth. Extended periods of illness also means that sometimes I can't eat. Most of the time I can only manage one meal a day and so I want to make that meal count. Over the last year or so I've become more interested in cooking, cooking shows and celebrity chefs.

I'm a big fan of Gordon Ramsey. I know we're not supposed to admit that. He's not at all like that lovable and all round good guy Jamie Oliver. He's crass, he cheats on his wife and by all reports is a real prick. I don't care. I like good food and regardless of what you may think about Gordon Ramsey's character, there is no denying, the man knows how to cook and he knows how to run a restaurant. Imagine my delight when I heard that he was finally opening a restaurant in my home town!

Last night we ventured out to Gordon Ramsey's new Melbourne restaurant Maze Grill. It was everything I hoped it would be. With it's open kitchen, friendly staff and soft lighting, it has a lovely atmosphere.

We were greeted by an impeccably groomed, friendly hostess who showed us to our table. We were immediately approached by our waitress who took our drink orders. Shortly after our drinks arrived another waiter came and explained the menu to us. Maze Grill is apparently inspired by New York grill restaurants, whatever that means. Essentially the menu consists of steaks and seafood from various locals. I chose a Tasmanian grass fed rib eye while my other half went with a New Zealand grain fed cut. We also got a numer of sides, french fries, onion rings and thick chips.

Bread was delivered to the table while we waited for our meals. I love that. Complimentary bread can make or break a dining experience for me. The bread consisted of rye bread and a warm chive roll with New Zealand salted butter. They are very big on telling you were everything is from at Maze Grill. My wine was from France, his beer from Hong Kong. The steak and sides arrived. The steak was fantastic. Tender. Cooked medium rare to perfection. Interestingly, the side relish that accompanied the steak tasted exactly like the sauce on a Quater Pounder at McDonalds (Sorry Gordon).

When we were finished, we passed on dessert (too stuffed), the waiter placed on the table several chocolate lollipops! Dark chocolate mint, milk chocolate and something the waiter called "popcorn" chocolate. Essentially, chocolate with that stuff in it that fizzes and pops on your tongue. It was the most wonderful unexpected surprise.

The bill arrived. They'd charged us twice for something but very promptly reconciled it when it was pointed out. We left a 15% tip and another impeccably dressed, friendly host came to show us out. Before he did, he asked us if we would like a tour of the kitchen which we both accepted. The kitchen was a hive of activity and in true Gordon Ramsey fashion, it was spotless.

I would definitely go again. :-)